Next?

Many things are going thru my mind, my sins are catching up with me or is it simple paranoia? I pray my heart out to the Holly Spirit asking for security and help, my family depend on me and my capacity to make the right decisions Lord increase my faith and remove any doubts of your goodness tourist me! I long for wisdom and peace, I long for a good way and the madness to believe the unbelievable and to become the man God made me to be for the good of my family and humanity.

It's time to believe, it's time to close my eyes and like a child just trust that God with lead my way showing me little by little those thing that I haven't seen and I know they exist, I pray for a true transformation and a bold heart, forgive me my Lord for trusting in myself to build my life not taking in account your wisdom and for making terrible mistakes... I trust you and I know you will tell me what's next... I will wait for you, in you and only in you.

One more night

One more night can't close my eyes even the lines on the ceiling dance taking shapes I never seen before, my mind plays me tricks and the demons that surround me whisper negative words on my ears trying to steal my deepest hope, as the waves of the ocean my thoughts change their way taking me from north to south from east to west, I never felt like these before it's challenging and yet it's different pushing me to face truths that I wanted to ignore in the past, truths that chock my throat and are so real, I can hear the sounds of the crickets contrasting with the clicks of my keyboard and as I write my mind and heart try to find peace and all it takes it's a voice, my Spirit wants to live and feel God like in the past giving me purpose and direction, the steer wheel turns on its own without my permission and as I put my finger in the water I wonder if the river is deep or shallow? is it cold or warm? Am thirsty I thought that by giving myself completely without receiving enough I was doing right, but maybe I was the one not giving enough and asking for much that's why the shield had to be built to protect the true person I don't know and I wish I did but... My head starts to hurt again balancing the paradox or maybe I'm just tired, how can it be two persons in one body? or how can a person be different beyond my sight? what's is that mean, is it like going from sunset to sundown or from summer to fall? As I look at the silhouette of the black Shirt with a monogram I wonder how can someone detach so easily? leaving behind beautiful moments and forgetting all that was lived with a loved one? Demons! demons! fucking demons! shouting at me from every side making me crazy and trying to make me take my life, however the soft word inside me voiceless keeps telling me that I'm close to an end that all this days without food or sleep are just part of a new character build upon strong suffering and which will take me to places I never dream of and the sweet promise that I will get back what I miss now, my thoughts in a second disappear and when I'm about to sleep they come to me as a vortex destroying me and building me, taking my peace and giving hope in exchange, how much longer before I re-emerge from the ashes or to wake up to a probably reality that will kill me softly and with pleasure slowly and without mercy?

One second per second

It's been four days since my sleep is no longer my friend, food not longer my necessity and thoughts like storms in my mind; I pursue understanding and I run longer distances getting away from myself and still at the end of the road there I am but changing second by second, making my sorrow my fuel and my depression my enemy...
I always dream of been better, a good man but that was it just a dream, a false promise that kept telling to myself as an excuse to not face my fears, the fear of greatness, the fear of a good life, always making excuses to not be better, but I will be better because only then I can set the road for those who I love, my words are false echoes in their minds with no value but my future actions will change their path, they will not inherit my past fears and become a statistic as they were born to change the world second by second.
I see a blinking dot on my screen and seems eternal reminding me of how much time I lost and whom I lost but I will not lose her because She is not lost, she is in me and I can feel her heart bit and her restless mind, soon we will be together and the illusion of temporary happiness will disappear and we will remember who we are and our call that call that pounds in our chest reminding us of why we got here... we are not who we were and we will be who we are not.
Second by second, mile per mile, word by word the distance is shrinking and I will be everything they dreamed, I am a new man marked with scars and shadows of pain, I been made strong by the power of forgiveness and the gift of pure love, I suffered but now I hope, I cried but now I wait, everything will be better, things will change not because I desire so but because we will do so and second by second we will enjoy our lives together...