One more night

One more night can't close my eyes even the lines on the ceiling dance taking shapes I never seen before, my mind plays me tricks and the demons that surround me whisper negative words on my ears trying to steal my deepest hope, as the waves of the ocean my thoughts change their way taking me from north to south from east to west, I never felt like these before it's challenging and yet it's different pushing me to face truths that I wanted to ignore in the past, truths that chock my throat and are so real, I can hear the sounds of the crickets contrasting with the clicks of my keyboard and as I write my mind and heart try to find peace and all it takes it's a voice, my Spirit wants to live and feel God like in the past giving me purpose and direction, the steer wheel turns on its own without my permission and as I put my finger in the water I wonder if the river is deep or shallow? is it cold or warm? Am thirsty I thought that by giving myself completely without receiving enough I was doing right, but maybe I was the one not giving enough and asking for much that's why the shield had to be built to protect the true person I don't know and I wish I did but... My head starts to hurt again balancing the paradox or maybe I'm just tired, how can it be two persons in one body? or how can a person be different beyond my sight? what's is that mean, is it like going from sunset to sundown or from summer to fall? As I look at the silhouette of the black Shirt with a monogram I wonder how can someone detach so easily? leaving behind beautiful moments and forgetting all that was lived with a loved one? Demons! demons! fucking demons! shouting at me from every side making me crazy and trying to make me take my life, however the soft word inside me voiceless keeps telling me that I'm close to an end that all this days without food or sleep are just part of a new character build upon strong suffering and which will take me to places I never dream of and the sweet promise that I will get back what I miss now, my thoughts in a second disappear and when I'm about to sleep they come to me as a vortex destroying me and building me, taking my peace and giving hope in exchange, how much longer before I re-emerge from the ashes or to wake up to a probably reality that will kill me softly and with pleasure slowly and without mercy?